


Second Chances

by McLen



Category: Die Ärzte
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-25
Updated: 2014-03-25
Packaged: 2018-01-17 01:05:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1368259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McLen/pseuds/McLen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Farin some how gets transported back into his own past he has the chance to change things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

_Introduction_  
  
He feels unreasonable sad, no not unreasonable but untypically. He hasn’t felt something like remorse for a long time, and he knows he hasn’t missed it, this low feeling in one’s stomach the ache that’s always present, pressing but not yet strong enough to be unbearable. It’s tiring and it’s painful and he likes neither and he notices how anger wells up inside of him anger because of his helplessness.   
  
He sits on a small bench at high way resting stop, he’s clad in leather, his black bike still hot and parked only a few meters away. He is reasonable enough to take a break, though not reasonable at all for driving. Now he waits for his concentration to restore, hands on hips eyes unfocussed staring into the small forest.  
  
He doesn’t notice the man until he taps him on his shoulder, so he jerks up startled and looks at the strangers face. He is in shock when he notices it isn’t a stranger’s face at all.   
  
The eyes are blue, that’s a thing that almost makes him laugh, it looks ridiculous he thinks, blue, why of all colours he would chose blue? Maybe that alone is reason enough. The hair is a dark blonde a bit lighter than his natural colour, with a red tone, too, he guesses, but it isn’t oxygen blond and it isn’t spiked up, it looks natural enough. The real difference, he guesses, are the teeth. They look. . . he honestly doesn’t know the word he’s looking for. Plain? Normal? Small? They look like ordinary teeth, not like one’s out of a horse mouth and they change his whole face.   
  
The stranger- because strange he still is- lights up and grins all over his face. It looks weird, though, without the big teeth.   
  
“You know who I am,” the stranger says in his voice, and he nods.  
  
“I guess I’m sleeping, have been driving too long anyway.”  
  
“You know you aren’t,” and he understands now what people mean when they tell him how striking- how intense his smile is, because he is practically blinded by his counterpart.  
  
“And I know, because you know. See. I have the clear advantage of having had this conversation before, and you don’t, so why don’t you lean back and let me tell you what you need to know.”  
  
He raises his brow, but decides to follow the logical approach, basically not arguing with dreams.  
  
“Tell me what you’ve got.”  
  
The man nods and sits down next to him, lazily stretching his too long legs. He crosses his arms behind his head and leans back, his eyes carefully watching the small forest and evading his face.  
  
“What I’ve got sounds nothing but absurd. But possibly no more absurd than meeting yourself. I too, don’t know any more than you, do, or will for that matter. And how could I not? I don’t have a clue how it got started, how it ends, if it ever ends, if it always follows the same pattern. I don’t know if you can get it right or wrong, or what that would be in any case. I’m you, or some kind of version of you, like they believed in all those comic books we used to read. Like you, I have sat on that bench, taking a break and talked to a stranger who I knew that was me. He told me the same things I am telling you now, the same what you are going to tell your younger self.  
  
You don’t believe in second chances. But sometimes it doesn’t matter. Sometimes you don’t have to believe to be given them. It’s all very fantastic and surreal and dream like except-“   
  
And he hits him, suddenly, flat across his face and Jan wants to hit back but before his hand reaches his face it gets stopped in the middle of the way,  
  
“I don’t want to fight with you, I just wanted to prove my point. See? It’s real, it hurts, it isn’t a dream.”  
  
The stranger lets go of his arm and Jan carefully takes it back.  
  
“When you return, because you have to drive back to Hamburg now, and when you do the year won’t be 2014, it will be 1994. Twenty years back into your past. Oh. . .”  
  
And the strangers look got unfocussed again like he remembered something fondly and revisited those memories.  
  
“There’s some unfinished business a lesson you have to learn and no one else who can teach you but yourself. After that, and you will know when it happened, you will just drive back head to this resting area have a little chat with yourself and then go back into your own future. As simple as that.”  
  
“But- “ Jan interrupts, because he has read enough of those comic books and even if this is a dream it should at least be logical. “If this is a circle then I would remember someone being there, even if he were dressed up. But there wasn’t someone like you. Never.”  
  
“No, there wasn’t, you’re right with that. . . I don’t know. Felse would probably be more suitable to explain this, but he isn’t there so it can’t be helped. I think you can see it like this: time is in flux- always changing, moving and becoming - shapeable like wax. There hadn’t been someone in my past and still, either and then there suddenly was. It is difficult. I can’t explain it Jan, and you won’t, either.   
  
But when you return you’ll find yourself in the year 1994 and then you’ll have to believe. . .There is one more thing, though.”  
  
“Of course,” Jan says sarcastically.  
  
The other Jan smirked clearly liking this.  
  
“You can change a lot of things, but no one can change things for you.”


	2. One

Chapter 1   
  
He hasn’t thought that it might be tough, meeting himself seems weird enough, but not much weirder than ending up twenty years in your own past. He has made up his mind. And for that matter his face. He is still unused to it, almost always gets a fright when he sees his reflection. He doesn’t look like a stranger but he isn’t himself either. He isn’t sure that his masquerade will work on people who know him, know his younger self, but then again his sole existence is impossible enough to prevent any dangerous ideas. He is well controlled when he offers Kiki the job, tour manager it’s a perfect fit, he knows everything there is to know and there’s nothing left for Kiki but to agree and hire him. Now he’s meeting them, casually dressed, feeling more relaxed than he should, and prepared to face his younger self and the small chance that he’s found out and he’s in bigger trouble than he can imagine, and he can imagine a lot.  
  
But it’s not this young almost disappointingly unimpressive blonde who takes his breath away. It’s Bela. It’s weird seeing him like this, small framed, thin and fragile. With long dark hair and make-up highlighting his face. It makes his eyes look huge and innocent, -not that they are- his lips look wet and inviting –not that they should be-, and his whole face just looks beautiful. And it’s not helping that he is dressed like a slut, too, tight leather jeans, a black net shirt showing off his thin but trained body, and then the way he moves, smugly, knowing perfectly well that everyone is looking at him, desperate to draw anyone in, hypnotize them with his looks, and perfectly aware of what he’s doing. And then there is a collar. A dog collar, he forgot Bela used to wear them, forgot that it mattered, it didn’t as far as he remembers, but now it suddenly does and he can see pictures in front of his mind where the dog collar is the only thing that is left of Bela’s clothing. He knows it sounds pathetic but he realizes he’s looking at Bela for the first time. Like really looking. He looks and he feels ashamed and horny at the same time. Felse is moving towards him, nail polished hands lasciviously running up and down his thighs. And Jan is just glad that he isn’t thirty anymore and that he has learned to control his urges as much as his face. That he is indeed the perfect picture of self-control, of stone cold indifference no matter his inner turmoil. And if he feels like drooling, or that his eyes goggling out of his head like one of those bloody cartoon characters so be it, it’s just in his head and no one will notice.   
  
“So, you are our new tour manager,” Bela says looking at him questionably unaware of the effect he has. He’s grinning cheekily with his imperfect teeth and Jan suddenly notices how much he has missed this open and sincere smile. He smiles back, and knows that it’s warmer than it should be and then stretches out his hand to make up for it. Bela grabs it and then pulls him into a hug and laughs.  
  
“Nah, you better get used to it, no formalities here.”   
  
“Alright.” Jan answers and they part again and he realizes that he has held his breath all through the hug and only now continues breathing.  
  
Bela gives him another grin, but there is something in his eyes something Jan is quite familiar with, a remaining a doubt, a question, Bela knows something is off and for a split second Jan is afraid – no almost sure- that he knows. But then he blinks and it is gone.


	3. Two

Here they go again, running off like some naughty little boys, huge cheeky smiles on their faces, always up to something, always laughing. It’s always the same picture. Bela and Farin or BelaandFarin complementing each other, like the other side of a coin. It’s weird to see it as an outsider, to see how they run around like inseparable twins. He wonders when it changed. He tries to remember but doesn’t find a date or a specific event. Maybe they just grew up. Maybe they just grew apart. But it hurts seeing this little blonde prat so obliviously happy, naively living in his idle little world, taking what he wants, never caring, never thinking about consequences and still having the time of his life.  
  
He envies him, he notices, he envies this ungrateful bastard -his younger self, he has to remind himself- for the friendship with Bela he still has. This unbelievably closer-than-brothers-more-than-friends-till-death-do-us-part-friendship- and how careless he treats it.   
  
After a few weeks in his own company envy turns to anger. He despises himself. His former self. He can’t believe how selfish he was. He can’t believe how arrogant he was. The only thing this fool seems to care about is himself. He uses everything: things, people, relations, anyway he can, mercilessly, to achieve his goal. He’s ruthless and obliviously cruel. And he’s angry, he doesn’t remember ever being so angry. If someone sets young Jan Vetter off he lashes out without any regard of consequences, he doesn’t have a violent temper, it’s more like he has rabies. He knows he has been called a smart-arse, and he knows he is, but this young fool annoys the crap out of everyone. And it’s not just that. He is high maintenance in every way, moody, dainty, stubborn and patronizing. It’s a pain in the arse to be around him.   
  
And because he is so selfish and so narcissistically in love with himself he doesn’t seem to notice anything going on around him.   
  
But Jan does. Now he does and now he sees, and what he sees, what everybody had to see back then when he had lived in his pretty little happy place, is a totally infatuated Bela.  
  
He doesn’t know why he never noticed, doesn’t know when it started or stopped, but the way Bela looks at this prat, the way his face lights up whenever he is close, the way he laughs and smiles and his eyes start to shine- with every word he says, it’s so mercilessly clear, even a blind man would notice. Everything Bela does, he does for Jan. Every single gesture, every move he makes, anything screams of his love for Jan. It’s typical of Bela, always being romantic always doing everything wholeheartedly, and it’s romantic and it’s sweet, and he has probably been hung up on him since the very first day of reunion if not even way before- and it hurts Jan in every cell of his body.   
  
Bela seems to be all that is left of what he cares about, it seems Bela always has had that quality. . . He reminds him of his past and his future, his hopes and his dreams and most of all: Bela is home. And that’s why the other one drives him crazy, makes him go wild with rage – an anger he has long thought dead- and he wants to shake him and make him see. But then he can’t because the other will never listen, cannot; this arrogant bastard who is so blind and oblivious to the tormenting he does, patting himself on his back for his own superiority and brilliance instead.


	4. Three

“I’ve seen the way you look at me.”   
  
Jan opens his eyes, it’s late after a concert and he has been fast asleep up to now. His head is spinning and he tries to make sense of Bela’s words while he sees him standing in the door frame. It’s not cold but it’s chilly, because he always sleeps with an open window and he shivers when he turns his face to look at the man at the door. The light of the hotel floor illuminates his silhouette - he is probably drunk, and then again he doesn’t necessarily have to be and Jan trips over his reasoning- which seems to be out of place and ahead of him anyway and blinks to get a grip of the situation.  
  
Bela closes the door quietly and the room is dark, again. It’s silent for a few seconds and Jan wonders what Bela plans now and then he hears rather than sees him moving towards his bed.   
  
Only when he is at an arm’s distance he gets a better view of him: Dog collar around his neck, make up all dark around his eyes, lips painted red, long hair a curly mess, his slim waist hugged by a black ripped tights, and his small chest covered by a velvet shirt.  
  
Jan’s breath quickens and suddenly he is wide awake. His heart is hammering against his chest and he is painfully aware how very naked he is underneath the blanket and how very hard he is getting with every passing second. He thinks he has a very good idea of what Bela is up to and there is no way this would be wise. He tries to find his quick witted speech as Bela reaches the bed and slowly crawls on top of the blanket.  
  
“Bela-“ he tries to say but his mouth is dry and his tongue slow and paralysed and his voice sounds as unsure and hesitating as he feels and not nearly as authoritarian as it has to.  
  
He can see how Bela smirks in the darkness and continues instead, he can feel the weight of his body now, the pressure of knees and hands as Bela crawls on top of him till his face hovers directly over his own. It’s almost scary how much it mirrors his own emotions, how passion and lust are written openly across it. Jan feels the heat rising up -he is very glad the blanket still covers him- and his thoughts narrowing down to only one emotion he swallows and pushes it away.   
  
“-No” he says with his last resistance fading, he is so horny by now, pent up desire clouding his judgment, and something deeper, too, a desperate need – but he can’t be as selfish as his little pratty younger self- he has to be strong for Bela. For Bela.  
  
“You’re twenty years my junior, I’m your tour manager- so practically your boss- being seen with a guy would most likely endanger your career and you are not really in a right mindset to do any of the stuff you think you want. Even if you were, there are at least another dozen reasons why this doesn’t even come close to being a good idea.”  
  
Bela just smiles his sad, hopeful smile, the one that always lets him get away with anything, the one Jan can’t resist, not now not ever, the sincere Bela smile and Jan feels himself softening.  
  
“I don’t know why or how or why it is even possible. . . but you’re him. I don’t know. –It’s not, I’m not drunk, just had a few beers to be a bit braver, but that’s not the point. I- I know you are him. And I’ve always known, since you introduced yourself as fucking Simon Richard –as if. . . I don’t know how or why or- but you  _are_ him . . . and you want me. You want me. The way I want you. . .”  
  
It sounds broken and pathetic and that’s why Jan knows Bela says the truth so he brings their heads together and kisses him.  
  
It’s not like in movies, or in books but it’s good, finally feeling Bela’s lips upon his own, they are soft and firm but it’s not just lips for long, the moment they touch they open their mouths and he feels teeth, tongue and spit and more teeth. It’s hot and he just wants more, more of Bela in every way, it’s no soft deepening the kiss, it’s sucking, and bruising, almost hurting and he is kissing him so deeply, trying to savor the taste of him, trying to engrave himself into him. Cold hands are touching his back and as in trance he pushes the blanket away and pulls Bela down on top of him. He feels the cool body against his warm skin, greedily pushes one hand beneath the shirt onto his back and brings him closer. Bela moans a husky “Jan,” in his ear and his head starts spinning.  
  
His chin hurts from kissing, his lips are already swollen and he still can’t get enough, when he tries to catch a breath, Bela sucks even deeper, trapping his tongue with his own, clashing their mouths together till he tastes the bitter taste of blood.   
  
All he can smell is Bela, when he opens his eyes in-between, all he sees is him, sometimes with tightly closed eyes, so much lust written on his face that he practically bursts, next time open mouthed and panting with wide eyes, erratic. He draws him closer, lets his nails scratch his back and Bela thrusts his thin body against him, and Jan pushes those damn tights down and feels naked legs against his own.  
  
Thigh against hips Bela humps him, rattles against him, like a teenager, till the angle is right and he can feel their bulges touching only parted by the fabric of the shorts.  
  
They stop in their tracks and moan, and then they look at each other, and Jan can’t see anything but Bela’s hazy eyes and his swollen red mouth hanging wide open and moaning again, and he pushes the other hand into Bela’s hair, tangles it in long strands and pulls him closer so they can kiss again.   
  
Bela starts moving again, bringing their bulges together with every thrust, and Bela is panting now so hard, he is hardly able to kiss, Jan finds himself sucking deeper and deeper and tugging at Bela’s hair to bring him closer and closer, until Bela just grows frantic beneath him. When he lets him go Bela’s eyes are dilated and his voice is desperate.  
  
“Please, I want to please you.”  
  
“You do,” Jan laughs mildly, lovingly and he traces his thumb over his lips.  
  
“Let me please you,” Bela repeats , earnest and meekly, and then he quickly dives down, hands parting Jan’s thighs and then he is just there, and Jan can feel his hot breath just before he lets his mouth sink onto his cock. Jan holds a breath at the sudden wetness and warmth, and he’s so turned on already that it’s hard not to come. Bela starts moving his tongue and Jan moans and tries not to thrust up. When he thinks he can manage, Jan opens his eyes and he sees Bela looking up cheekily and all Jan can do is grab the sheets and pant.   
  
Bela’s lips around him, sucking his cock,  _looking_ at him, sucking his cock, fuck fuck fuck. Jan is feeling the pressure building up and he pushes Bela away.   
  
“No,” he tells the startled Bela, “together,” he says, and emphasises his words with a tender squeeze of Bela’s pants. Bela moans and slides his hands against his back, he scratches mildly, repeating his name like a mantra. Jan takes a deep breath to fucking focus, and quickly flips Bela over and crawls on top of him. Then he pulls Bela’s shirt over his head and traps his arms beneath them. Bela gives him a funny look, licks his lips daringly and tries to lift his head and kiss him but Jan holds him down instead. Bela moans needy and offers his bare neck instead. And Jan sinks into his flesh and sucks, bruises skin and continues till he hears Bela moaning again, and jerking against him. He uses his bodyweight to hold him down, hot wet bodies sliding against each other, and he continues sucking, biting now, and Bela’s almost frantic. He trails his other hand down over the sweaty side until it reaches the pants and pulls them down teasingly slow. Bela lies beneath him, trapped under Jan’s strong body, hands over his head erection finally free and he moans.  
  
Jan smiles and sucks at his throat once more before he changes the angle, sits up on his knees and hands, and then comes down in a slow and steady rhythm, leisurely brining their cocks together. Bela jerks up but Jan holds him down, and keeps on sliding against him, until they’re wet with pre-come until everything is hot and white and pure bliss and he is messily humping Bela and they both come hard and spill their cum over each other’s bodies. 


	5. Four

He’s sitting in the kitchen reading a book about the Cuba crisis over some vegetarian casserole. He is left alone, people have learnt – no matter how much they seem to be drawn towards him - to leave him on his own whenever he wants to and he is glad about that. Although sometimes he still has to use cunning words and sharp jokes to push them away. . . He thought it’d be different with the young Ärzte members around, but he still seems to draw in everyone. Felse teases him that he’s the cool kid now, the one everyone admires and wants to be friends with, he calls it smashing charisma of elderly people and Jan points out that he’s just jealous.  
  
A moment later he hears Felse’s voice. He is obviously arguing, from the sound of it and he doesn’t have to hear the clear cool voice to know whom he’s talking to. Of course it’s the prat, who led them there deliberately. Bela always scolds him for mistrusting his former self, but what Bela doesn’t want to understand is that it isn’t mistrust, it is certainty. He has been that guy for years and he knows how his mind works, and doing something by accident has never been anything he would have let happen. Jan watches them out of a corner of the eye and he knows that the prat intends just that. Annoy him. Show off. Hurt him. He’s used to getting his way and apparently very upset that this time it doesn’t seem to work. Jan’s grin widens, he’s quite excited about what trick the boy is going to try this time. He waits until they stop only a few meters in front of the door, Jan assumes it’s close enough for him to overhear their conversation, and hidden enough so that Bela won’t know he’s there.   
  
He can overhear them talking, now, or better the prat scolding Bela. His voice is lecturing, quick, razor sharp, it’s one of his typical self convinced patronizing monologues. It’s basically the kid telling him what a terrible mistake he is, how old, how cunning, how arrogant. Bela seems amused and patient – actually Jan notices, Bela seems to be the only one who can handle them when they are like that and doesn’t get totally pissed off in return- and repeatedly defends their affair. He calls it the best fucking of his lifetime, gives him some dirty details and Jan can’t keep himself from grinning smugly. When the blonde finally interrupts Bela, (and) telling him how seriously worried he is, Bela adapts and emphasizes how much he loves spending time with him, how nice and sweet and kind, how funny and wonderful he is and the prat’s voice gets more irritated by every passing second. He finds arguments and reasons but Bela brushes them off like dirt and simply tells him that he’s happy. Eventually the other falls quiet and Bela curiously asks his younger self why it upsets him so much, he has dated both older girls and guys before, and that he –Simon- really is a wonderful bloke. It’s rare that the other (one) doesn’t know what to say. That he’s left speechless, but then he is, and the words he finally says are so quiet that Jan can’t make them out. There is another pause, and then Bela laughs, it’s soft and warm, and he tugs him away speaking of an awesome horror flick they still have to watch.  
  
A few hours later he knocks on Bela’s door for their date - they want to see some comic art exhibition in a small gallery in Bonn, then it’s dinner: curry in a bar close by, some jamming and later on theatre - and is more than amused to find Bela ready and waiting. When he makes a comment he gets a witty response and they laugh and kiss and fall into bed again, and after sex they are really late. The gallery is not easy to miss, and because it’s a work day they’re almost the only people strolling through the halls. The place is futuristic and clean, with black glossy floors and white marmot walls, an outsider would say they’re out of place, in their simple clothes. He doesn’t feel it though, actually he has never felt quite as right as now, walking in slide with a cheerful Bela, discussing art and comics both in aseriousness that is only possible with Bela. They’re living right in the moment, neither looking forward nor dreading tomorrow just competently content in the simplistic joy of the moment.  
  
“Let’s kiss,” Bela says, and Jan notices an older couple watching them sceptically. He smirks and raises his eye-brows. Bela returns his grin, and then Jan almost jumps him, hand slipping into his trousers to grab his arse, the other around his neck and he pushes him backwards until Bela is pressed against the white marmot wall and ravishes him.  
  
He only stops when he hears the sound of withdrawing footsteps and realizes that he might have gone too far when he sees how Bela looks at him with glassy eyes, panting and a hard-to-miss bulge in his pants.  
  
“Again?” he asks incredulously but amused.  
  
“You git. I’ll have you pay for this, I will. How am I supposed to walk around now?”  
  
Jan shrugs, “I think it’s hot.”  
“You do, don’t you?”  
  
“Ah come on, hadn’t thought you were that insatiable, I mean I practically fucked your brains out four hours ago.”  
  
“You think you’re so irresistible. . .”  
  
Jan’s grin widens and he winks at him. “Yes,” he says.  
  
“Oh fuck it. Bathroom. Now. And no further comments.”  
  
  
Over lunch they sit down at a fountain. It’s still cold outside, but the sun is coming out, and when he tells Bela (something) about an old Indian folklore – something resembling a lot a certain Dracula– and the logical indications that would induce, Bela just laughs out loud, pulls him close and kisses him again. Jan kisses back and this time it isn’t passionate just slow and lazy, they’re barely touching and still it’s perfect and Jan just enjoys his life.  
  
After a decent play, and a long monologue from Bela on each actors’ performance – sex, and some more monologue about the play, cuddled together in bed, Bela finally changes the topic.  
  
“Do you miss him?” Bela asks,  
  
“What?”  
  
“Do you miss him? Because I do. I mean even if you are him, I still miss him. And when it’s the other way round and I’m with him I have started missing you. It’s all weird and messed up and though I’m happy, I’m still sad. . . Do you miss him?“  
  
“Yes. Yes, I do,” Jan answers truthfully.  
  
“Yes. I thought so,” Bela says quietly. “But you. . . you never did tell him, right? I wonder how he is, this other me, this Bela who would not let you get into his pants, I mean-“  
  
“I already told you-“  
  
“Yeah, you don’t know if he wouldn’t, you never tried, right. Because you didn’t know that you would like to until you met me. Me, me. Which is kind of sweet really. And a bit creepy. We discussed that. Still. All the things you said, can’t believe it got so far. . . Can’t believe I’d ever stop. Can’t believe I’d ever give up. And then. . . And then I do believe every single word.” Bela’s words trail of, and Jan can see how his eyes drift off to stare at a place far beyond his reach.  
  
It’s strange to know that Bela misses his young self as much as he misses the old Bela. But then isn’t it that you just love the same person in each and every way? The evolution of a person? He thinks it’s a bit like Buddhism seeing the whole picture, not dividing into time and intervals but seeing the whole of creation. And it’s alright that they still miss the other. It doesn’t even hurt or make them jealous or unhappier, if anything, it draws them closer together, strengthens their bond. It’s another impossible thing they share as they lie in each other’s arms, their fingers intertwined.  
  
“He’s an arse,” Jan says after a while, “I can’t see why you even like him. He’s vain and arrogant, he’s a selfish prick, I- really Bela, you deserve someone better, and I’m not talking about me because I know I’m basically him but-“  
  
“He’s not, you know. Bad. It’s just how you see him,” Felse replies and squeezes his hand.   
  
It’s difficult not to be reminded of Felse’s declaration this morning.  
  
“He is a good guy, Jan, and he tries, he really does, and yeah he is a bit arrogant at times, but then he’s pretty smart and quite elaborate and he knows what he’s doing, and he doesn’t put others down, so he isn’t really arrogant if you think about it. And when it’s difficult he’s always there, he tries to protect the people he loves. He’s harsh and insecure, he can’t allow himself to give up control, or to be hurt, so he acts tough to keep up the façade but that’s just acting. . . You always see him in a very dark light, Jan, but he has so many good sides to offer. You are not doing justice to yourself.”  
  
“He is a moron and a control freak, and don’t tell me about his motives. . . I can tell  _you_ because I know: They aren’t altruistic. He is a jack arse, Felse, I can’t believe I ever was that much of a prick, but there’s not much denying it now.”  
  
“Ah bullshit. See, that’s him too, so hard on himself, always judging himself against the highest – no, unobtainable- moral standards. Asking more from himself than any human being could manage, always questioning himself, so insecure . . . give yourself some credit.”  
  
Jan just shakes his head. “You’re a romantic,” he says.  
  
“Come on,” Bela gets a sweet smile on his face, “I’m obviously madly in love with the two of you. And I’m awesome. So really, how bad can you be?”  
  
“Uhm,“ Jan says, and tries to think of something to say.  
  
“Finally got you to shut up, that’s a first. Still can’t handle emotional talk? Some things never change.”  
  
“Just because I don’t carry my heart on my sleeve-“  
  
“Just because you are a stone cold manipulative bastard-“  
  
“Hey, hey, I do have some feelings you know?”  
  
Felse laughs, “I think I do. No seriously, it’s been really cool being around you.”  
  
“Thanks?” Jan asks,   
  
“You’re welcome,” Bela says smiling at him. He pulls himself closer into his embrace. “You know, it has been so fucking easy. Oh Janni, I always thought, I was so sure love has to be hard work. Drama. Movie stuff. But it doesn’t have to be. It’s just. It’s fun, being around you, it’s as easy as breathing. Who would have thought the two of us could pull of easy. . . I’ve been really happy, you know. You’ve been making me really happy, just wanted to let you know.”  
  
Jan studies him, “Thanks,” he finally says.  
  
Bela nods and then blushes. “Well. . . Uhm, another question:” he says to change the subject and then he grins deviously   
  
“I know that you are old, pretty old - hey stop it- just saying the truth here – stop it- how old are you anyway. . .? You know, never mind, I think I get now what girls see in older guys, they are lazy –agh- and – agh, stop it Jan- and easier to please and – okay, okay, I give in- But uhm, one question, seriously, you know me, am I going to be all wrinkled and ugly later on?”  
  
“Spoilers,” Jan grins.  
  
“No, come on, tell me.”  
  
“You mean like me?” Jan says again and laughs.  
  
“Na- no way, I don’t know, age looks good on you. I don’t know, you can pull it off. But me? Don’t tell me I’m gonna be an ugly old fat tart.”  
  
“No definitely not, Felse,” Jan laughs again and then he considers, “I think most of the people’d say you look the youngest out of all of us.”  
  
“Really?” he wriggles his eye brows and Jan finds himself laughing again.  
  
“Yeah, though not the hottest, Rod’s still the most handsome I’m afraid.”  
  
He gets an elbow for that and grins.   
  
“And you cheated,” he continues, “did a tooth fix and a Botox job for your face, you liar. You’re looking like a Barbie doll now. Not a Ken doll, mind my words a Barbie doll.”  
  
“Seriously? Did I get a nose job, too? You’re kidding right, I didn’t use Botox that’s for Michael Jackson and Pam Anderson not for cool guys like me.”  
  
“Well, apparently you changed your mind. –And I thought we agreed that I’m the cool guy.”  
  
“No way. . . Why didn’t you stop me, then?”  
  
Jan shakes his head, “It’s not like I ever could stop you doin’ anything.”  
  
Bela laughs, “Well. . . Actually it’s not like you couldn’t.”  
  
Jan falls quiet at that and lets it sink in. The whole admission and he knows Bela’s right. When he thinks about it Felse would always follow his lead, always give him everything he wanted, there is no exception from the rule, But realizing that, admitting it is something else entirely. 


	6. Five

He doesn’t know what wakes him. His eyes remain closed and he just lies there and savors the moment. It’s almost like a dream. The steady rhythm of Bela’s soft breathing, the singing of the early birds outside, the first rays of light upon his face, the warmth of the blanket and the feeling of Felse cuddled against his stomach. Right now Jan only feels lucky. Lucky and grateful. Lazily he starts brushing his hand trough Felse’s soft hair. Feels the other instinctively moving closer to him and he smiles.   
  
They made it official, now. They are in a serious relationship as weird as that sounds to his own ears. But then, after spending almost every night and most of the days together for the last nine weeks, the title relationship is just another word. It’s the same with the uttered “I love you”s- they were understood, they had told each other a dozen times before, so why just stop saying them just because their relationship grew more intense? It is helpful though, no more sneaking off into hotel rooms in the middle of the night, no more dirty closets, no more getting busted and lectured by crew members. Surely enough they got rid of a lot of excitement but Jan feels too old and far too content to regret trading foolish thrills against waking up with Bela in his arms.   
  
His hands float lower to the red weld around Bela’s neck. A leftover from last night’s love making, the only hint that suggests what has happened. Jan closes his eyes and he remembers another perfect evening to another perfect day. Bela lying naked on the bed, white skin on soft velvet. Hands and legs spread apart and tied to the bed posts with black ropes. A blood red blindfold covering his eyes, a collar around his neck. Tightly bound, not able to move an inch and oh so desperately horny. . . He remembers how he teased Bela, made him lose every last bit of sanity, of every bit of control until his mind turned into a wobbly ball of need, until Bela shook from want and begged for release. He remembers how he fucked him like this, owning him in every way possible, knowing that he was completely his, and how they came almost in sync.  
  
He hasn’t even had a thing for S&M before, but Bela loves it and the more Jan tries the more he falls for it, too. There is just so much power play, control, trust – it’s like it’s made for them, difficult, slightly damaged people with huge issues that can’t even have a normal relationship.   
  
He’s still sleepy and feels strangely soft and warm and cuddly. He pulls Bela closer, hugs him, resumes the spooning position, one hand on his hip the other still in his hair, his neck. He traces Felse’s collarbone and then continues caressing his back. If he could stay like this forever, he would. An hour passes like that, and Felse is slowly waking up, his breath gets shallow and eventually he turns around and blinks a few times before he opens his eyes. Once they see him they start shining. Bela’s whole face is soft and warm and happy, he is radiating happiness and love with such an intensity that Jan almost feels dizzy. Then Bela laughs and it sounds like summer rain, and they keep lying in each other’s arms and Jan thinks he really is the luckiest bastard in the whole world.  
After some more pathetic but romantic cuddling, a quick and lazy morning fuck, Bela jumps under the shower and Jan - knowing it’ll take him at least an hour – decides to be a nice boyfriend and get them some breakfast. He is just heading towards the lift when he suddenly notices his younger self watching him. Or staring at him, or trying to hide that he’s staring and looking away once he returns his gaze. It’s a farce and they both know.  
  
He wonders how long the other has lingered in the area just to conveniently pass him leaving Bela’s room. Probably a few hours, at least that’s what he’d have done. A few hours of waiting, of eager determination and iron made patience. The blonde catches up with him. It’s nice that the prat at least doesn’t pretend (that) it’s a coincidence. They both stay quiet until they reach the lift. He can see how young-Jan observes the hickeys on his neck, how he notices the tousled hair and how he puts two and two together. He can see the boldness change to defiance in his posture and the resoluteness in his face turning to anger- it amuses him, no it satisfies him, to see this arrogant prat hurt. It’s just fair that he, who has caused so much suffering to his beloved Felse, is suffering now himself. The youngster’s emotions are painted across his face and Jan wonders whether he really has been that reckless all those years ago. He takes pity on him eventually or maybe he is just bored enough and wants it over with and starts off the conservation.  
  
“So, good morning Jan,” he starts off levelly, “I’m heading towards the kitchen for breakfast, and would ask you to join me, but I think you’re not here for some small talk or a discussion about food. I think I know what you’re up to, but I am said to be impatient and prejudiced so give me some slack for rambling. I’d suggest we get it over with, we still have a lot of work to do. So speak your mind, I’m not fragile nor do I bite, well at least not unless one wants me to – and even then am I very picky. I guess you’d have to do a lot more bribing to even be considered.”  
  
“I have no interest in your dubious intentions, old man, thank you very much. And I think you’d find biting me harder than you’d expect.” He cocks an eye-brow daringly, “But that’s not what we’re here for, and in one thing you are right, indeed, I’m a very busy man and I know a dozen other things I’d prefer to talking with you. See, I think even doing Bravo interviews would be more entertaining and that says something, doesn’t it? I have unfortunately an inconvenient responsibility?, inconvenient, but most fond- I understand you don’t know what that is, friendship, I noticed you never taking calls, never writing letters, never interacting with someone else outside this circle. . . I think you don’t have anyone else, do you? And that is fine by me really. . . You’re all alone, says something about you doesn’t it? Well there is someone who cares I suppose. And that’s obviously the reason I’m talking to you. I assume you had a nice night?” he enquires coldly.  
  
Jan almost wants to laugh out loud. Was he really that obvious? Seriously? It feels ridiculously like cliché, and this blonde child- because how can he call him anything else the way he behaves- like a tragic hero of a soap opera. If he told his own Bela about it, they’d have a ball. He wonders if he knows. Probably not, probably he doesn’t have a clue why he is threatening him at all, doesn’t admit or understand or even know the reasons behind his behavior.  
  
“Great evening, thank you,” he answers instead in a calm and steady voice and he sees how it drives the young one mad.  
  
“I thought so. I guess banging a guy who could be your son, - or grandson is it?- always relieves some tension. Do you like the way he admires you, because you can’t get anyone your own age to accept you? Or do you feel ugly, I mean you are in a pretty bad shape for a man in his sixties, is it? Maybe if you ate a bit more, didn’t do so many drugs- well too bad- I mean Felse loves his little monsters and you do look like a skeleton but still- what else are you trying to compensate? I wonder-“  
  
“-A small penis? That was what you were going to say? Or something like that. Really Jan, please don’t disappoint me, I’ve had such high expectations, if there’s one thing you’re good at it’s words so please save those lame shots for someone else, I’m looking for some snide remarks, some burning accusations and some nasty arguments, I know you can do better, come on.”  
  
The other one smiles confidently and then it’s like what Jan expected a battle of minds, a fight of wits, something he’d call a good debate, and he is actually quite enjoying himself. In this fun struggle of intellect -he doesn’t know how to call it- time passes by quickly and before he realizes they have finished their third walk around the block and almost an hour has passed. And it’s weird how much fun it is and how much he enjoys it and he can almost start to understand why Felse does like him, because this young Jan does have a silver tongue and knows how to argue. It’s fantastic. But everything ends and even his skilled younger self eventually runs out of arguments and resumes to a strangely bitter monologue.   
  
“I know that you are well educated and all, I can see that, I get that you can turn my every fucking word against me, I don’t know how you do that, no one does that, so congratulations I guess. . . but still. . . I don’t know why you are with him, whether you really are in a mid life crisis and need some young affirmation, or if you are just an old fucking creep who likes to bang famous boys, or maybe you really do love him . .– and I don’t care, you know, I don’t. Because you don’t deserve him, he is way too good for you - it’s – he deserves some one better, someone who makes him happy-“  
  
“Haven’t I done that?” he asks and this time he knows he hits home, he can see how the blonde winces, how the blow hits, the thought registers, and his defense crumbles, everything before had been foreplay this is the real thing. “Isn’t he happy with me, happier than he has ever been?”  
  
The young one suddenly looks down, it’s the first time he has looked away, and Jan knows something is beginning to change. It’s not only the resolution that’s crumbling, his youngster’s walls are coming down, too- and they’re coming down fast.  
  
“He deserves. . . he deserves someone better,” the kid tries again, and now he is standing there, looking lost and forlorn, trying hard not to lean against the wall for support and Jan almost pities him, because he knows how he feels: confused and upset, and most of all afraid of his own needs although he doesn’t know what they are yet. But it is not for him to help , the boy can only help himself, just like he had to learn on his own.   
  
Jan stops walking and he tries to make his voice sooth and tender when he asks the question that the boy has yet to hear, the question that will finish him off, knock him out and break him.  
  
“Someone like you?”  
  
The rascal opens his eyes and he looks at him in surprise, realization, fear and then blank panic before he closes his eyes again and looks away quickly.  
  
“No, not me. Not that way.” He stammers, then again. “I. . . don’t.. we’re just friends, I’m not jealous.”  
  
Some more blinking, a quick head shake and then he finds an excuse to leave. Jan has to smile despite all that and quietly watches himself running away.


	7. Six

“It’s okay, you can take mine,” Are the words that finally send him home. And not just literally but in every way possible.   
  
He is standing in front of the Munich airport just outside the terminal. The tour takes a break for a good week and they are free to head back home, not that he really could do just that. It’s early afternoon and they want to go back to Hamburg. It’s a tight schedule, a band - Felse and him both love- is playing at the Colorline Arena, they’ve got tickets and they really don’t want to miss it. Jan has to smile when he notices the  _they_. He’s become quite pathetic, hasn’t he? Naturally things go wrong and there’s some trouble with the paper work. Lisa – his assistance- explains how incredibly sorry she is and that she totally messed up the bookings. Instead of three tickets she only has two, one for Jan and one for Bela. The next flight available will leave the other day. He’s upset, but he knows Lisa has done a good job so far and so he isn’t harsh and accepts her apology. It’s just human he says, while he thinks about the best way to break it to Bela. He is still absent minded when his younger self tabs him on the shoulder.  
  
“Simon?” he asks,  
  
“Yes Jan?”   
  
The lad has been strangely polite to him after their talk. And not only to him, it’s weird how the boy has changed, has become quiet and thoughtful – distant you could almost say. He doesn’t remember acting that way, ever, but then he hasn’t remembered being an arse in first place so maybe his memory isn’t as perfect as he thought and has far more gaps than he cares to admit. Still, he has almost started to like his other self during the last few weeks, and strangely enough he doesn’t want to be wrong about this, because it matters more than it probably should, and seeing him gloating over his misfortune would be. . . regrettable.  
  
“Trouble with your ticket?”   
  
But there is no boasting or malice in his voice, it’s just an honest question.  
  
“There were a few mistakes, seems I won’t get a ticket before tomorrow, but don’t worry we’ll send the two of you off in a bit.”  
  
The blonde frowns. “You’ll miss the concert,” he states.  
  
Jan nods, “Yeah, unfortunately. Bela will give me hell. But there’s nothing I can do, we cross checked the flights, there is no earlier one available. I guess you and Bela will just have to go alone.”  
  
He can see how the lad considers him for a moment, he hesitates and then reaches into his bag’s pocket. He rummages until he finds what he’s looking for, grins cheekily and presents him the white paper.  
  
“It’s okay, you can take mine,” he says.   
  
This time it is Jan who is surprised, he raises a questioning brow and the other Jan shrugs.  
  
“Take it, I know how much Felse is looking forward to that gig – with you by his side that is- , and yeah I would have liked to see them, too, but I can cope – still have a walkman, haven’t I?”  
  
“Jan you don’t-“ Jan says but the other just raises his hands and stops him,  
  
“I know, but I want to. See, you were right back then. Don’t interrupt me I don’t like admitting mistakes, heck I hate making them in first place. So don’t make me repeat it. You were right in every way possible and I’ve been. . . well an arse. I want to make it up to you - and to him, too. If you make him happy, and though I still don’t have a clue how you do that but you do obviously, then you have to be a good guy. See it as an apology. Okay?”  
  
Jan looks at the other’s outreached hand, then up to his earnest face and nods. He reaches out and takes the ticket.  
  
“Thanks,” he says, he wants to say more something about requited love, about taking chances, but his other self seems to anticipate what he’s up to and quickly steps away,  
  
“Now you better hurry up before you miss the flight and neither of us can go to the concert- you know how fucking long Felse needs for checking in . . .”  
  
“Thanks Jan,” and he doesn’t even mean the ticket.  
  
“Don’t worry,” the other one says smirking, “I can still see the band in a few years, whereas you . . . well you know,” and then he laughs but it’s a friendly laugh and Jan joins him.  
  
  
The last evening is wonderful in every way and with every consequence, he knows that it’s gonna be hard and that there’ll be a lot of hurt and sadness. But then that is understood, because it is a part of their relationship as much as every bit of happiness he has ever felt. They are sitting at the breakfast table – yes, he knows he should probably feel bad about it, that he had been selfish and not told the other right away, but he just couldn’t bear leaving without one more night, one more chance to hold him close, to feel comfortable and whole. In his defense, being old doesn’t stop you from being stupid and he had never been rational regarding Bela.  
  
His sole purpose as he has realized, was to make his other self see. It was plain really. He should have known from the beginning. He was thick headed and blind not to realize - Eventually it became painfully clear, though, once his younger self had given him the ticket. He had seen it then, reality falling into place. A chance for a true happy ending – surely not without a fight, surely not without a lot of work, but there was a way now, an opportunity a point where they could start from. Bela and Farin. As it should be. And he was quite positive that the two idiots would make it work sooner or later, -well at least if there wasn’t an old relique from another time getting in their way. But it isn’t only selflessness that makes him leave.  
  
The time is right, he knows this. The moment the other Jan was ready to stop running and to start thinking, he was ready to change, to accept a new and unbelievable terrifying yet promising adventure. The other Jan stopped hiding and started to be brave and fight his fears so how could he not try to do the same. He doesn’t know if he can manage. But at least he is ready to try, now. It’s strange how the two of them helped each other. How they made each other see. There are things worth fighting for, terrifying scary beautiful things. But you have to face them first and you have to take chances and you may end up crashing to the ground unbelievable hard, but in the end they’ll be worth it. Oh god, they’ll be worth it.  
  
Jan has just finished his yoghurt and wants to start changing the topic when Bela interrupts him.  
  
“You want t talk,” he says.  
  
Jan freezes and looks at him puzzled.  
  
“You’re surprised because I know you? Well. . . You shouldn’t be. I’m not that daft, you know, maybe that’s something you learn eventually that you shouldn’t underestimate me.”  
  
“I don’t,” says Jan offering his hands.  
  
“Obviously,” Bela mocks him knowing mistaking him sarcastically.  
  
Jan rolls his eyes.  
  
“But you do.” Bela says more seriously. Then his face softens and he gives him a small smile. “But that’s not what this is about. You’re ready aren’t you? You’re done here.”  
  
“I. . .”  
  
“It’s always the same with you Jan, trying to be so unbelievable strong and then – eventually your feelings catch up with you and you’re a useless wreck.”  
  
“-I’m not. I’m quite capable of. . . . It’s just. . .” Jan tries to find the words he has so carefully prepared. But they seem wrong and out of place, everything not deep enough and meaningless until he gives a helpless shrug and Bela laughs softly despite of it all. Jan feels a heavy weight lifted from his shoulders and he has to smile.  
  
“Together,” Felse says and Jan nods.  
  
He takes a deep breath and gets up. He crosses the distance and Felse, too, is getting up now. He looks at him with clear green eyes and then Bela touches his cheek and caresses it tenderly.  
  
“You’re beautiful. I hope he knows what he’s got.”  
  
“Thanks,” Jan says and smiles shyly. He stops Felses hand encloses it into his own and leads it to his lips. He holds his gaze while he kisses it gently.  
  
“I love you,” he says his voice dry and soft.  
  
“Yeah.” Felse replies smiling weakly. “Me too.”  
  
“You two are better going to make it work – or I’ll come back and slap this prat’s ass until –“  
  
“We will, you know.” Then Bela sighs and slowly with draws his hand. “We’ll both have our happy ending Jan. . . Promise to take care.”  
  
Jan nods and takes a final look at his Bela, it’s not easy but he wants to be remembered happy and smiling and so he fights.   
  
“See you in about twenty years,” he says and just before he is out of the door Bela gives him a last tiny smile, “I’d wait forever, you know?”


	8. Epilogue

He steps outside the door, feelings raging inside him but his head strangely clear. It’s a nice day, with cloudless blue sky, blinding bright sunlight and cheerfully singing birds. Everything seems right. It feels right, too, as Jan walks slowly through the narrow alleys. He feels melancholic but he’s also excited, it’s a weird mixture and vaguely reminds him of leaving a foreign country in order to explore a new one. Homesickness and Wanderlust, a weird mixture.  
  
There is only one thing left to do. He remembers the road leading him there, has travelled it too many times on his way down to foreign countries to forget – and all too soon he passes the stop, the rest area and Jan takes the exit.  
  
And then he waits.   
  
He doesn’t know how long he has to wait, he distinctly remembers that it was dark when he lay there and dreamt that impossible dream. . . everything else seems vague. Time passes and it gets darker and then suddenly everything changes, everything is clear and logical and straight and he  _knows_ his other self will turn up the next minute. History seems to repeat itself and he finds himself an amused puppet, played by destinies strings. When he opens his mouth it seems like a story read too many times but still he can’t help repeating everything this other stranger had said to him, all that months ago.  
  
Then it’s done, and Jan knows he can head home.  
  
  
A fresh breeze is what wakes him up, he’s still lying there on the bench in his leather clothes at the resting place. It’s uncomfortable enough, his whole body is tense and cold, his back aches and reminds him quite harshly that he’s apparently too old for this. He doesn’t even know he’s been sleeping. He’s not too sure he has, the pictures are still vivid in his head, and strangely enough he seems to remember every little detail. He is a rational man, or he believes he is anyway so he convinces himself that even though it very probably hasn’t been real, it definitely has been a sign from his sub consciousness. A sign –unlike his aching body- hard to ignore. He knows what he has to do. He heads home towards Hamburg but it isn’t his place he drives to, it’s Bela’s.  
  
When Bela answers his door he is obviously surprised, which is understandable because Jan has just left the flat barely a day ago. At least it rationally thinking it has to be only a day that passed. For Jan it feels like he hasn’t seen him for months. And only now he realizes how much he’s missed him.   
  
He steps forward, closes the distance and pulls him into a tight hug. Felse seems surprised at first then he pulls his arms around Jan laughs and hugs back.  
  
“You idiot,” he says still amused, “You could have just called, you know.”   
  
Jan holds on tight and buries his head in Felse’s hair. They just stay like that for a while, locked in each other’s embrace enjoying their closeness.   
  
“You’re cold,” Felse finally says and starts rubbing his back, “Come on in, I’ll make you tea. Warm you up, and we’ll continue snuggling on the couch.”   
  
“Ah you chicken. . .You just don’t want your neighbors witnessing our pathetic cuddling. Afraid you might lose the image of the iron hard punk they think you are. . .” he mumbles into Bela’s warm hair,  
  
“That, too, of course.” Bela slowly kisses his temple and then carefully pushes him away. “Come on in,” he repeats.  
  
Jan follows him inside obediently, into the kitchen and then sits down on the chair watching Bela preparing tea and biscuits. As he looks at him , he takes in all the differences and it’s weird seeing him like this, with short hair, sturdy and of course: old.   
  
It’s not only the lines in his face or the few grey strands in his hair or his sharp bones that somehow make his face harder. It’s in everything, the shining and the remorse in his eyes, the confidence in voice and posture. Bela hasn’t grown old, but he has certainly grown up. It makes Jan smile and he has to suppress the need to get up from this uncomfortably small chair –at least for the size of his legs it’s everything else but comfy- and just hug him again. This is  _his_ Bela. The one he used to know out of his pocket, -still does somehow- the one he shares more than two thirds of his life with.   
  
Felse seems to notice the eyes on his back and he turns to face Jan and shakes his head apparently very pleased with himself.  
  
“You know, you’re weird today. Very weird. Even for you, so that says a lot.”   
  
He places the cup of hot water with the fresh tea back on the cupboard, the biscuits on a tablet, sets the clock and sits down in front of Jan.   
  
“Not that I’m complaining, you know? But still. . . something’s off . . . Oh if I eat some more of these biscuits I really have to lose weight before our tour,”  
  
“As if-“ Jan interrupts,  
  
Bela drums his hands over his belly in slight dismay, “You, are one to talk to Mr. skin-and-bones. I’m surprised you can even walk in that state, let alone drive your motorbike. Seriously Jan, you really start looking like a ghost-“  
  
With a worried look Bela reaches out to brush his cheek, but Jan stops his hand, “That’s not what I came to talk about,” he says and just then the clock rings.   
  
They stand there, motionless, Bela’s hand only inches away from Jan’s face, held tightly in Jan’s iron grip. Bela’s look is challenging but Jan holds it unyielding.   
  
Finally Bela gives in, “I know,” he agrees, lets go and gets up. He finishes preparing the tea and then leaves for the living room. Jan follows quietly.  
  
Once they’re sat down on the sofa, Jan finds it easier to look at the bottom of his tea cup and to stir the hot water randomly than to begin the conversation that he came for.   
  
“So,” Felse starts instead, probably watching him expectantly “Wanna explain why you dropped by unannounced, strained, bloody cold and totally beside you in the middle of the night? After leaving the very day before? You might add to your explanation, why you didn’t answer your fucking phone yesterday, I kept trying and I was starting to get worried. I know you can look after yourself but with the motor bike and all. . .”  
  
Jan turns and faces Bela. “You know the reason I was upset,” he states.  
  
Bela nods shortly and starts fumbling with his rings. “Well, yeah, because I’m moving back to Berlin, I know.”  
  
Jan nods.  
  
Bela looks up again, “So maybe it wasn’t clever the way I told you, but then I never thought you’d mind- I mean. . .” he seems unsure what to say next, so he just raises his hands helplessly. “Well apparently I was wrong. . .”   
  
And there’s so much Bela doesn’t say. Then he looks up and Jan can see it now, and maybe it’s only because he knows it’s there and he has learnt to look for it, but it doesn’t matter. The slight glimmer of hurt in his eyes, of regret and of something else. Of hope, Jan thinks. And Jan understands, he knows what he wants to replace it with. Knows that he wants to make it up to his best friend so that they can bloody start their new future already. But then he knows that it needs time and he has to be patient and mustn’t spoil, must never spoil this. Nobody ever said it was easy.  
  
“You know me, I’m not that clever. Never really seem to think ahead now, do I? Well, probably should have known you’d freak out. . . Another friend leaving, huh? But Jan it’s only Berlin, it’s not Moskau or the end o the world.”  
  
“ _Moskau’s_ hardly the end of the world, Felse-“   
  
“I know, well for all democratic rights it is- but it was just an exaggeration. All I’m saying is, I’m not gone, I’m not out of your life.”  
  
“I know,” Jan says and sips his tea, the taste is bitter, but it’s warm and he likes it. There is something like teenage like excitement in his stomach, his heart is speeding up and his hands are sweaty. He is determined as much as he is scared. He puts his cup down and takes a deep breath.   
  
“Felse,” he says and Felse looks at him intently.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“There is one thing I need to get off my chest as well.”  
  
He can almost feel the electricity in the air, the atmosphere is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Bela frowns, and Jan can see that Bela is puzzled and slightly worried too.   
  
“Shoot,” he finally says not even blinking.  
  
Jan grins then he says earnestly “Wanna go out on a date?”  
  
Bela’s eyes widen and his mouth almost falls open. He keeps staring at Jan silently, blinking a few times and then clenching and unclenching his fists.  
  
“You’re not joking,” Felse says eventually and it isn’t a question.  
  
Jan nods anyway.   
  
When Bela still doesn’t answer he continues, “You and me,” he says, eyes adventurous and enticing, he can feel the anticipation throbbing through his whole body,   
  
“You and me,” he repeats his voice deep and husky and soft like velvet, “Go out, -picnic on the beach, cycling through the countryside, dancing in a club or just watching movies, - I can cook for you or I treat you to a restaurant, your choice- and we’ll talk and laugh and it will be perfect. I drive you home and you’ll kiss me on the cheek and call me the next morning. Or I’ll call you, because we won’t be able to stand spending time apart in the beginning. I’ll buy you roses and you send me weird pictures that remind you of me. And then we’ll have sex and it will be terrific and we won’t stop and fuck like bunnies and we’ll spend the next weeks in bed together. . .”  
  
“Jan I-“ Bela interrupts but then he falls quiet, obviously not sure how to continue and Jan smiles at him warmly and goes on.  
  
“You and me Felse, because we fit. . . Fit together like two halves of a broken soul. Go out with me.”  
  
Felse looks at him and Jan notices that he shivers. He clutches his own tea cup for support. His eyes are anxious and his voice trembles when he speaks. “You. . . there are a million reasons why this is a stupid idea” he says.  
  
“And none of them matter.” Jan says.  
  
Bela nods slowly, looks down and then up again,  
  
“I love Maria,” he says unsteadily,  
  
“But you love me more,” Jan repeats and holds his gaze. Bela stares back for a while but eventually gives in.   
  
“You egomaniacal fucking bastard. I fucking hate that you. . . that you can still do that. . . I thought I’d be over you by now. . . I thought I’d be stronger than this. . .and now you just. . . And I can’t even say no, now can I?” he looks up again and it looks helpless and pleading “- And if you change your mind? What am I going to do then?” he asks.  
  
There’s a lot he doesn’t say and Jan thinks he understands. Decades of pain are not easily forgotten. He can’t promise him anything, even if he would like to, it doesn’t work like this and Bela would know anyway. He won’t start lying to him now.  
  
“Come on,” Jan says “say ‘yes’.”  
  
Bela considers him quietly and finally nods. “Okay,” he says so quietly that Jan almost doesn’t understand him. Then Bela’s serious face slowly fades into a brave smirk, and in a far stronger voice he repeats, “Okay, you bastard. One date, and it better be good, no cheesy roses, no cheap wine and certainly no movies and pasta. You better be inventive, I want to be breathtakingly courted, understood?”  
  
Jan feels a weight dropping of his shoulders and he nods, “Got ya,”  
  
“Seriously, Jan, no screwing up and no second chances.”  
  
And Jan bursts into laughter.


End file.
